Although I have five beautiful children now, I remember clearly the days when I thought that I would never be a mother. Infertility was hard on me. It took a toll on my emotions making me wonder why I couldn't just be "normal". The first fertility drug I took, Clomid, made my hormones go crazy. I would have highs in which I felt on top of the world and lows when I thought that things couldn't get any worse, all in the same week. I could be laughing one minute and crying the next, you just never knew what you were going to get around me. The fact that my body didn't respond the way that it should to the medicine, made me feel even less of a woman. Moving on to see a specialist and to try the next steps in treating the infertility had another set of challenges. With the injectible medicine, not only did I still experience the emotional roller coaster, it added in physical challenges as well. With this treatment came daily blood draws and ultrasounds (not the fun kind). My arms were black and blue by the end of the week. I remember the pain of hyper stimulated ovaries. I couldn't sit or walk with my back straight as my stomach filled with fluid, but it all became worth it the day the nurse said to me, "I think all of this pain is a good sign." Less than a week later, the blood test showed a positive result!
This was definitely not the end to the emotional and physical pain. I had said through the entire process, "I would rather God not let me get pregnant at all, than take a baby away from me." Of course, I was talking about miscarriage. Unfortunately, His plans were already set. 20 weeks after getting pregnant for the first time, I gave birth to two precious little ones. Gavin, our little boy, was already gone, but I will never forget holding little Greta, so tiny, as her little heart stopped beating. I couldn't help but wonder why. It has been four years today that I gave my first babies back to God, and I no longer ask that question. I have always been a true believer that everything happens for a reason. My trials and losses while working my way to motherhood have made me the person that I am today, and I am so happy to be the mother of five beautiful children.
2 comments:
Liz, I know the feeling of not being a "normal woman." My ex-husband and I lost five babies. I was sad about the first loss, but never thought it would happen again. Each pregnancy afterwards caused a mix of so many emotions. I was excited, but terrified for each one... to say the least. I would always lose them around the same time. It was heartbreaking and infuriating that my body was rejecting my children. We took so many tests and found nothing wrong. I went through a few doctors before I found one that actually cared, Dr. Robert McCarty.
In 2007, we were pregnant with the fifth child and on progesterone. I started to bleed around the same time as I had with the others. It was the middle of the night and I cannot describe how betrayed I felt by God, by my body. This moment was followed by a conversation with God and no sleep. The next day the bleeding stopped. A few weeks later we went to our first ultrasound and found out our baby was in my right fallopian tube and was not able to survive. I don't know what the Dr. said next. To make a long story short, the drug to end my much wanted baby's life didn't work and my fallopian tube ruptured while I was in a class. I had emergency surgery and they removed my right fallopian tube. A divorce and another relationship later, I was pregnant again. This pregnancy was different... lot's of morning sickness (which I had never had with the previous babies). Every day... week... month was another step toward my dream of having a child. This time it was completely unplanned... I was divorced, 30 years old, a full time college student, and had two jobs. My daughter did not come easily... the labor was short and we lost her heartbeat several times. For two hours the Dr. was concerned and at one point they kicked my mother out of the room and suddenly there were five nurses and two doctors trying to find out why my daughter was so stressed and what to do to get her heartbeat back. Terrifying! I had not come this far to lose her now! She was delivered via emergency c-section... a beautiful, perfect 10 pound baby girl!!! Every day I am thankful to have her. Every day I ask God to protect her for one more day. I know how precious life is. When I was pregnant I would pray and ask God to just get her here safe and I promise to take care of her after that. I also remember thinking that I didn't care if she was here one day or 12 years... I just wanted to see and hold one of my babies. I thought of this when I read your sentence "I would rather God not let me get pregnant at all, than take a baby away from me." After losing five babies that I never got to see, I wanted to know what it was like to hold my baby. I was afraid I never would. My 22 month old daughter sits beside me as I write this... I really don't believe I could be happier. Watching her grow has been the best, most rewarding experience of my life. I'll never understand why my babies were with me for such a short time; but I am really looking forward to the large family I'll have waiting for me when my time on this earth ends.
You look at everything through such positive eyes, Liz. Your children are lucky to have such a wonderful person for their mother. Life is not to be taken for granted, and you will teach them that. :)
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