Although I have five beautiful children now, I remember clearly the days when I thought that I would never be a mother. Infertility was hard on me. It took a toll on my emotions making me wonder why I couldn't just be "normal". The first fertility drug I took, Clomid, made my hormones go crazy. I would have highs in which I felt on top of the world and lows when I thought that things couldn't get any worse, all in the same week. I could be laughing one minute and crying the next, you just never knew what you were going to get around me. The fact that my body didn't respond the way that it should to the medicine, made me feel even less of a woman. Moving on to see a specialist and to try the next steps in treating the infertility had another set of challenges. With the injectible medicine, not only did I still experience the emotional roller coaster, it added in physical challenges as well. With this treatment came daily blood draws and ultrasounds (not the fun kind). My arms were black and blue by the end of the week. I remember the pain of hyper stimulated ovaries. I couldn't sit or walk with my back straight as my stomach filled with fluid, but it all became worth it the day the nurse said to me, "I think all of this pain is a good sign." Less than a week later, the blood test showed a positive result!
This was definitely not the end to the emotional and physical pain. I had said through the entire process, "I would rather God not let me get pregnant at all, than take a baby away from me." Of course, I was talking about miscarriage. Unfortunately, His plans were already set. 20 weeks after getting pregnant for the first time, I gave birth to two precious little ones. Gavin, our little boy, was already gone, but I will never forget holding little Greta, so tiny, as her little heart stopped beating. I couldn't help but wonder why. It has been four years today that I gave my first babies back to God, and I no longer ask that question. I have always been a true believer that everything happens for a reason. My trials and losses while working my way to motherhood have made me the person that I am today, and I am so happy to be the mother of five beautiful children.